Friend of God

I hate it when I'm irritable. I get that way when I'm tired. On Saturday when I was at camp, I got irritable when I hadn't had a break all day and it was 4:00 and I had to go do more work. I prayed that God would change my attitude, and about ten mins into doing more work, I got better. I read in my devotional on Friday night about how loving people was serving them even when you don't feel like it, and how you need to ask God to fill you with his love to do it. So I guess it worked. It annoys me though that I can't do it automatically. I know I don't have to be perfect, but I get annoyed that I'm not. :) Silly eh.
Then on Sat night I decided I wanted to work on not being irritable, and I know I get irritable when I'm tired. And then what do I do on Sunday night, I get irritable. So annoying.
Oh ya, camp really was fun, my camp name is Oshka!

I'm going to Camp Cherith this weekend. Matt said that they needed extra help, and I was already not doing powerpoint on Sunday, so all I had to do is get off work on Sat, and I was able to get someone to take my shift. I'm going to be missing the Lift leaders / Young Adults BBQ which sucks. I've been wanting our two groups to hang out ever since the Lift group came in Sept. What really sucks too is that there won't be many Young Adults there. I hope the Lift people don't think we don't want to hang out with them, it was just some bad timing. It really sucks I won't be there, but I didn't want to give up a whole weekend at camp. I've only been to camp once and that was when I was like 10.

Today Niki and Matt came over, and then Meagan came over later on. I love having friends come over and just hang out. We ended up baking bread and muffins. Actually Matt did most of the work.
This is the first time in my life that I've had such good friends. Friends that I see all the time, and I'm so close to. What a blessing.

I got this off a new blogger friend's website. :)

I have the house to my self this weekend. My parents are gone away for their anniversary, and my sister, her husband, their baby, and their dog Baby, are gone dog sitting for some friends. This is the first time in my life spending three nights in a row all by myself.
I was just thinking a few minutes ago, that I don't go a day without seeing people that love me. I thought that today I wouldn't see anyone, I'm not that close with anyone at work, but it turns out I will. My brother is bringing by his dog for me to watch while he goes to his mother-in-law's for dinner. I'm not that close to my brother but I do know that he loves me in his own way, and if his wife and daughter come in I know they love me.
Tomorrow I'll see people at church that I know love me, even though most of my friends are gone for the weekend, not everyone is.
God really does take care of me and put very special people in my life. I wonder how many people go through life not knowing they're loved and I don't go 24 hours without seeing someone that truly loves me.

My mom's birthday is on Saturday, but she's going away for the weekend, so we celebrated her birthday tonight. I made dinner. It was roast beef, mashed potatoes, veggies and gravy. The roast beef was the last thing done, so the veggies were cold. I think it turned out pretty well for my first time making a whole roast beef dinner. I didn't even consider making yorksure pudding. I wasn't even going to make gravy, but then my dad helped me make it because Bre really wanted it. Oh ya, and I made bread in the bread maker. It was a last minute idea, and it was originally going to be done pretty much after dinner, but it worked out that it was ready like 10 min after dinner started because it was so late. I don't know how my mom does it, gets it all ready at the same time. Lots of practice I guess. I'll have to pay more attention the next time she makes it. She does a way better job than me.
I did learn to make gravy today. That was cool.
Oh, having people been praying for me or something? Today was a lot better of a day. Thanks.

So I'm in this crazy mood where I go up and down. I was fine with not getting into grad school, and then I had this dream last night that I he changed his mind and I did get in.
Right now I'm missing the knowing what I'm doing with my life part of being in grad school, more than actually being in grad school. If I end up getting a job where I can arrange it, I might end up taking another stats course. It'll be a lot more fun without the pressure of all the work grad school would be. I could just enjoy learning. So really, grad school isn't my problem.
My problem is that I'm not trusting God, or I'm not giving my whole life to God, or something like that. Or I don't know, maybe I need to change how I see God. I feel like God has some major changes in my relationship coming up, or I'm going through. It's not fun.
So it's like this, I'm supposed to put my life entirely in God's hands, but I'm supposed to keep moving. How in the world am I supposed to do that? What stuff is my responsibility, and what am I supposed to give to God and let him handle it?
So basically I'm not alright, but atleast I'm keeping going to God.
I have no motivation to go out job hunting, I'm sitting still, but it's driving me up the wall. Right now it drives me up the wall, everyone keeps asking me what now? I don't know, and I can't stand it. They're giving me suggestions and just trying to be supportive and I can't handle it. Hopefully I'll settle down soon, and won't be going nuts for long.
So everyone please don't get offended when I don't want to talk, but also please don't stop talking to me.
Maybe I just need a swift kick in the butt to get moving, or maybe I need some time.
At the moment, I'm in the I'll get through this mode. I just remembered something my mom said a bit ago, she told me that she told my dad not to worry, I would do what I need to do. I guess I do go nuts in my head over stuff but eventually I end up doing what I need to do.
Life's just nuts, but I guess if it wasn't it wouldn't be interesting.

Today Emma fell asleep cuddling with me. It was so sweet. She is getting so big! She went pee on the toliet this morning, and tonight I heard her say all her ABC's. She can't just recite them, she's too little for that, but if you go through and say each one she'll repeat after you, and she says most of them properly. :) And she called me Auntie today. She's been calling me Dee or Endy, sometimes, but it was a pretty clear Auntie she did tonight. Wow I love that kid.

So I didn't get into grad school. I just found out like 15 min ago. God is good, I'm ok.
Matt was online and said hi to me like 2 min after I found out and then my friend Yunna came online right after. I think they were the perfect people for me to talk to at that moment.
It did take a while for them to decide, but I think that just gave God time to work me around to being ok with not getting in.
I'm not looking forward to figuring out where God wants me next, but God is teaching me something, and so I don't know what's happening, but I'll be ok.
Today, I just want to go bake cookies, maybe see if I can go see Emma, and just enjoy the day.

I had a good night tonight. I went out with Matt and LA after church. They're awesome friends. We can be so open with each other, and we laugh our heads off, or atleast until I do the thing that a few people know I do when I laugh really hard.
God seems to be teaching me something big lately, and I'm getting something, but I still have a long way to go. Hanging out with awesome friends really helps.

Today my family cleaned out our garage as a suprise present for my dad. He had to help but it was a suprise that we were doing it today and that we were going to help him. It is a father's day/birthday present.
It took us from 11 am till 10 pm to do it, including breaks for lunch and dinner. So it works out to about 9.5 hours of work. We were able to empty most of it, paint most of it, and then put things back in a starting to be organized way. It still needs to be a lot more organized. There is also a huge pile of garbage on our driveway now. We were going to put the garbage in our little trailer but a dove had nested on it, so we couldn't put it back together to use it. My dad tried to take the bird and nest off, but it when he tried the bird flew away and it turned out it had a two babies in it. He had to leave it there so the mom would come back to the nest and it did like 10 min later. I think he may try and move it again tomorrow.
My brother-in-law Mike was teasing me as usual and said something about not doing any work today, but then he said that I had done a lot of work he was impressed how much work I did. It was so awesome that he said that. It really meant a lot to me. I'm glad he's part of our family. He is always joking and acting all tough, but the more you get to know him you realize that he is such a softy and would do anything for you.
Tomorrow my family is going to Red Lobster for Mother's Day. It is my sister's first year as a mom and she said that she wanted to go there. It should be fun. I really do enjoy spending time with my family. Like today, it was a lot of work, but I still enjoyed being able to spend the whole day with my family.

I keep coming back to Psalm 121 lately. The verse that stands out to me the most is verse 3:
He will not let you stumble and all; the one who watches over you will not sleep.
It comforting because I worry about not doing all that I should be doing, and it makes me feel like he won't let me. Nice thing to know. :)

I had a random post on my blog today. It was awesome. It's cool to think that other people out there may be reading my thoughts. I checked out her blog too. It was cool. Interesting thing making anonymous new friends.

Here's two quotes that I've liked this week:
"They don’t worry; they simply live as they were created to."
"If you still dislike yourself and feel that your life is a grave disappointment to God, you have not yet fully accepted the total sufficiency of His redeeming work."

Tonight was fun. I had people over. It was a last minute thing, well same day thing, Matt and I were talking on msn this morning so I emailed a bunch of people.
I didn't think anyone was going to come besides Matt, but then Niki called at 6:55 (people were invited for 7), and Paul and Peter showed up at 7:30. So it was really cool. We played Skipbo, which didn't turn out to be too entertaining, it's hard with 5 people, but it was good in that we had lots of time to talk inbetween our turns.
Niki is awesome. She looked at my baby pictures, and got some recipes from me. And she was really excited about my nieces and my family. I loved that. It was also really nice having another girl around while the boys played poker and talked about computers.
Friends are good. Thanks God for giving me such awesome friends that love me. Even when I'm moody. Actually they seem to like it when I'm moody, strange.

I was thinking that I should make a point of reflecting on one thing that I learned about God each day. Oh reflecting, that was a dirty word by the time teacher's college was over.
So what did I learn about God today? Well I guess about God, or from the bible, which is God's word, so I guess it is about God, well anyways, what did I learn?
I guess in reading the introduction the Acts it stood out to me how important it is to tell other people about God. Evangelism is a really big theme in Acts.
Ok, I should go to bed now. I hope everyone has a good friday. :)

I did my first serious study session of the book of Acts tonight. I've gotten through the introduction of the commentary I'm reading. It looks like I'm going to be learning a lot about how the church should look. Should be interesting.
Hopefully I'll be able to keep my motivation up and keep reading and studying pretty regulary.

I'm at the point where I don't care if I get into grad school or not. It would be nice to know, then I can make some plans, but I'm so blah about it now.
I dropped my resume off at the library today, hopefully something will come of it. I like the library, I love to read, it would be a nice place to work. I enjoyed being at the library the three summers I worked there with the kids.
Work was ok tonight, long and tiring trying to get kids to do their work. I liked how one of the teachers put it tonight. Think of three people constantly asking you questions for 3 or 4 hours straight. Exhausting. I asked her if the classroom ever got as crazy as it gets at Sylvan and she said it didn't. Sylvan isn't a bad job, just tiring. I enjoy the kids, but I don't love it enough to actually stay there. I would love to get to know the kids when I didn't have to consantly be trying to motivate them to focus and get a decent amount of work done.
I was in a mood yesterday and this morning, feeling sorry for myself, just being silly. Things are a bit better now. It helps that I've actually applied at the library. Sometimes it feels like I'm not doing anything with my life. Not accomplishing anything.
At this point, getting a job at the library, a place where I enjoy being, and spending my time with famiy and friends, and volunteering at church and where ever I can, and then eventually tutoring again sounds pretty good. It would be cool to volunteer at Canadian Blood Services too.

I am so tired of waiting to hear if I got into grad school or not. I should be hearing anytime now.
I think I am at the point where I'm trusting God, if I get in or don't get in. If I get in it will be awesome, I'll get to stay at mac and be part of the community there. Learn more about an interesting subject, and get to actually try some of it out. If I don't get in, maybe I'll get a job at the library and work there, and eventually get back to tutoring when I've honoured my commitment to Sylvan. Actually working at the library sounds pretty good right now. If I do get into grad school I'm going to be crazy busy, so actually working at the library would leave time for church, family and friends.
So God, whatever you want, I'll be fine with, just PLEASE tell me SOON.

My sister let me use some of an iron on patch to fix two pairs of my jeans. One of them has a bigger whole so she suggested I sew it on too to make sure it stays. I don't like sewing. :( But at least I'll have another pair of jeans again. And the other one, my favourite pair of jeans, doesn't need much sewing, just a bit as an extra precaution.
It's just annoying, bigger patches need the sewing more to stay on, and since they're bigger they have more to be sewn.
I am thankful that I will still be able to wear my favourite jeans, and being able to have a third pair because I fixed some old ones will be awesome.

I went to mac today to see when I can find out about if I am going to get into grad school. Basically the guy that's deciding Dr. Viveros said that he's not convinced that I'll pass this required course called 743 if he does let me in. He's going to decide this week after talking to all the profs that have taught me. So if everyone could pray that would be awesome.

So my case went to arbritration today. Basically it ended up with I'm still in the same place. It came down to letting the arbritrar make a decision today, and probably us loosing, or keeping the case open and having it available to discuss during negociations.
I'm at the point where if I get something out of it, that'll be nice, but if I don't, it was atleast intersting and I tried.
I really can't wait to see if I get into grad school. If I do I will be automatically getting the job that this whole thing is about. Funny eh.
I'm going to go down to mac tomorrow and ask when I can find out.